Lost Friendship 

As I look at the screen I don’t know if I can do it. As soon as I read what he wrote I got butterflies. There is no way he wants me to, and surely no way in hell I can. Then I look, there’s another message, it’s him. “Don’t be scared lol!” WHATTHEFUCK! I’m crying and now this! UGH! All I can think is “I hate you Tumblr!” I bit my lip and just do it! Sitting in my car crying I call him. He’s got the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard. Kind, caring, gentle, yet so in control, so not what I was expecting. Yes I expected him to be in control, but not like this, not over the phone and surly not for the first time ever talking to him. 

We talk for about 45 mins, and it’s probably one of the easiest conversation I’ve had with someone in forever. 

He understands what I’m going though. He listens, he explains things I wasn’t sure about, then tells me that I can call anytime I need a friend to talk to. He’s going though the same thing and he gets it, but it’s odd for me. This stranger that I’ve only “talked” to a few time is willing to be my friend, that’s something that I do, not that has ever been offered back to me. Yet here he is offering it to me. He seems to have just as big a heart as I do, WOW that’s odd. That never happens to me. 

Over the next 4or5 months we talk more and more. Text most times daily. I’ve learned a lot about him. He’s even more kind and sweet than I thought. He has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met, and so handsome, and his smile…When I see him smile it makes my whole day, my heart skips a beat. 

I didn’t see this happening. Didn’t want it to happen. All I wanted was friendship, but somewhere along the way when I would see his name pop up on my phone I would start to get butterflies. I couldn’t wait to talk to him everyday. My heart and soul had never felt so alive before. I know he didn’t feel the same way, but you can’t help when it happens. 

About 4 months into the friendship I knew that I was nothing and no one to him or anyone else. I was dealing with other things in life still as well. I hit rock bottom. I did something I hadn’t done in years. When you feel empty, alone, broken, like you’ve failed everyone , and unloved, you don’t feel like you should still be here. 

I don’t know if it was what I had done or something else, but after that he stopped talking to me. My life changed for two reasons then, what I had done and I lost him…his friendship. My life hasn’t been the same since, and never will. My life feels even more empty without his friendship, without him. A lost friendship forever gone! 

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