Keep Smiling đź’š

We all have a story. Be it long, short, good or bad it’s yours. It’s what makes us who we are. Mine has made me a stronger person. Who doesn’t take shit from anyone anymore. One who keeps a smile on her face, but will kick ass and takes names later. I’ve been through more shit in my 41 years of life than most people have in their whole life. It’s brought me to where I am today and made me who I am. I’m not perfect, God knows I’m not, but I would do anything for anyone especially if it meant that no one had to go through what I went through. When you are emotionally physically and verbally abused you tend to look at life different. I’ve  lost a baby, my mom, and a marriage that was…well let’s just say one sided. I hit rock bottom after my mom died at the age of 41. I’ve tried to commit suicide not once not twice but three times. Life is too short NOT to SMILE and enjoy and live the life you have. This is why I ALWAYS say #KeepSmilingđź’š You never know what someone is going through. Your smile just might make the difference.

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Past Hurt

I can’t remember when exactly was the first time he made me feel ashamed or put his hands on me for the the first time but what I do remember is how I felt…. humiliated, abandoned and useless. Yet I stayed for almost 5 years. Maybe it’s because he always told me how much he loved and wanted me after. 
Wasn’t just the physical abuse there was mental and emotional abuse also. 
I was made to do things to him and let him do things to me. If I didn’t do them or let him do them he would grab my head, grab me around the throat, grab my legs and pinch, he would turn his class ring around and smack me in the back of the head or on the knee. Places where I could keep it covered up where nobody could see.
This all happened in public places where anybody could see… Greyhound bus, a public swimming pool, the backseat of my moms car, the school auditorium before school would start. He would tell me I was never good enough and that I should watch porn so I would learn something. 
This all started when I was 14 years old

Guilt

I’ll never forget that day or the next four days.This day started out just like every other day. I woke up and got my 8 month old son changes, feed and dressed and ready for the day. I showered and got ready for work. I was lucky on most days I could take my son with me and this day was no different. I worked all day came home did the normal things. After I put my son to bed I called my mom and step dad to ask my mom if she would babysit the next day because we were supposed to be busy at work. My mom told me that she didn’t want to that she just wanted to have the day to herself. I was mad and we argued. I was so mad at her that I hung up on her and then went to bed. About 4: 30am I remember being woke up by my grandparents telling me to come out into the living room with them they needed to talk to me. When we got out in the living room both of my roommates were sitting on the couch, which I thought was odd. My grandfather asked me to have a set and he proceeded to tell me that my mother had had a heart attack and they didn’t think she make it. My roommates kept my son and my grandparents and I left for the hospital. That was the longest 35 minutes of my life. When we got to the hospital my step dad was there waiting to here from the doctor. About 15 minuets later the doctor can out to tell us that my mom was gone. I remember I fell back in my chair a screamed and cried. The doctor asked us if we wanted to see her and I remember thinking that I needed to see her to make sure that it was really her and that the doctor hadn’t make a mistake. When we got back there I had to touch her so I knew. This was February 11th three days before Valentines day! We had to wait till February 15th to have her funeral due to Valentines day! Now my brothers, my step dad and myself we don’t celebrate Valentines day. We basically act like it doesn’t exist! I know it’s been almost 19yrs but I still have the guilt of hanging up on her and saying the stupid mean things I did and never telling her that I loved her one last time.

Lost Friendship 

As I look at the screen I don’t know if I can do it. As soon as I read what he wrote I got butterflies. There is no way he wants me to, and surely no way in hell I can. Then I look, there’s another message, it’s him. “Don’t be scared lol!” WHATTHEFUCK! I’m crying and now this! UGH! All I can think is “I hate you Tumblr!” I bit my lip and just do it! Sitting in my car crying I call him. He’s got the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard. Kind, caring, gentle, yet so in control, so not what I was expecting. Yes I expected him to be in control, but not like this, not over the phone and surly not for the first time ever talking to him. 

We talk for about 45 mins, and it’s probably one of the easiest conversation I’ve had with someone in forever. 

He understands what I’m going though. He listens, he explains things I wasn’t sure about, then tells me that I can call anytime I need a friend to talk to. He’s going though the same thing and he gets it, but it’s odd for me. This stranger that I’ve only “talked” to a few time is willing to be my friend, that’s something that I do, not that has ever been offered back to me. Yet here he is offering it to me. He seems to have just as big a heart as I do, WOW that’s odd. That never happens to me. 

Over the next 4or5 months we talk more and more. Text most times daily. I’ve learned a lot about him. He’s even more kind and sweet than I thought. He has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met, and so handsome, and his smile…When I see him smile it makes my whole day, my heart skips a beat. 

I didn’t see this happening. Didn’t want it to happen. All I wanted was friendship, but somewhere along the way when I would see his name pop up on my phone I would start to get butterflies. I couldn’t wait to talk to him everyday. My heart and soul had never felt so alive before. I know he didn’t feel the same way, but you can’t help when it happens. 

About 4 months into the friendship I knew that I was nothing and no one to him or anyone else. I was dealing with other things in life still as well. I hit rock bottom. I did something I hadn’t done in years. When you feel empty, alone, broken, like you’ve failed everyone , and unloved, you don’t feel like you should still be here. 

I don’t know if it was what I had done or something else, but after that he stopped talking to me. My life changed for two reasons then, what I had done and I lost him…his friendship. My life hasn’t been the same since, and never will. My life feels even more empty without his friendship, without him. A lost friendship forever gone! 

Good Girl….part 1

  As I dress for the day I find a note on the bed, “No panties today ma petite. M” As I read the note I smile. All day I’m going to be wondering what he has in store for me. Are we going out, staying in, playing in the playroom? Oh the possibilities. Trying to stay busy is hard. I’ve cleaned the whole house. Did all the laundry. Changed the sheets on the beds. Cleaned all the toys in the playroom, again. Cleaned the playroom. UGH! There is nothing left to do, but wait for Master to get here. 

I decide to do my meditation while I wait. I’m to do it daily. Now is probably the perfect time. I shower, dry off, towel dry my hair, brush it, and head to my bedroom, and close the door. I get in my position, on my knees, head down on the floor, arms flat, palms up, eyes closed. 

Clearing my mind is hard, but I focus on my breathing, and after about 5 minuets I finally am able to. I can feel my body start to relax. 

I have always liked this task, but today I seem to really understand why it’s a daily one. 

After my hour is done, I’m more relaxed. I have no idea what my Master has planned so I have no idea what I should put on. I decide to put on my red silk robe and wait. Master should be here soon, but knowing My Master, he will probably make me wait longer. Keep me guessing! 

 When he finally arrives I’m sitting in the chair trying to read. As he enters the room I look up and smile. “How was your day Master?” “It was okay, thank you for asking ma petite. How was your day?” he asks with a smile. Oh My Master knew exactly what he was doing leaving that note. He knew that as I was doing my housework my mind would take over. “It was fine, Master.” I say looking down at my tablet. “What did you do today?” he asks. I tell him how I cleaned the house, the playroom, all the toys, changed all the sheets, and even did my meditation. “Did you do as you were instructed?” I just nod my head yes. “What is it ma petite? Was there something wrong with my instructions?” Looking up from my tablet ” No Master, not at all. It’s just….it was a bit harder cleaning today not knowing what you had planned. I have been having a hard time…um” He places one finger under my chin as he had me look at him. “A hard time?” Biting my lip, trying to look away, but knowing he will have none of that I say “a hard time not touching Master.” Just the corner of his lip pulls up in a half smile “Did you touch your pussy today ma petite?” I knew better. “No Master. Thinking about all the possibilities of what you might have planned tho had my pussy wet all day. That’s why I showered and did my meditation already. I was hoping that that time would help clear my mind, and it did, for awhile.” Taking the back of his fingers he runs them down the side of my face ” That was good thinking ma petite. Good girl, I’m proud of you.” 

Regret

We all regret things in life, but hurting the person we care so much about is probably the biggest regret any of us can have. 

I know I regret hurting someone who meant the absolute world to me. I just wish I had the chance to tell this person, but as in life with regret and hurt we usually don’t get that chance. We are usually shut out of the persons life. Hence, why we live with the regret! They get to forget about us, but we forever live with what we did to them, live with the hurt, the regret, the loss of them.